Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Advertisement
Advertisement
For Immediate Release
Montpelier, VT - September 21, 2008
A new mascot has been chosen for the Vermont Dairy Association. In a nail-biting race that culminated at the State Fair Butter Sculpture Exhibit on Saturday, "Petunia" won the most votes as the name best suited for Vermont's Milk Mascot.
The contest was not without controversy. A recount was called for when Tween Scouts Troop 729, who recently participated in a milk-sponsored musical, "Milk Rocks!" contested the name pick, in favor of their own entry, "Smiley Myrus."
"I'm sorry, but Petunia? That's the dumbest name I ever heard," said 3rd grader Jessica Pintz of Middlebrook Elementary." "Yeah," added fellow scout Katie McGraw, "it doesn't even mean anything. I mean, our name at least means something!" Shouts of "duh!' and "no duh" were heard from the group before Troop Leader Annette Timmins shooed the girls out of earshot of the press area.
Mrs. Timmins had no comment.
This is the second year in a row that a State Fair sponsored contest has come under fire for voting irregularities. In 2007, a newborn calf was named "Landon" by an eight-year old essay-contest winner, but was later renamed when it came to light that the child had been bribed with free pony rides by representatives from Landon Yogurt. A new name, "Elvis," was chosen by Skeet Ball operator Boomer Jenkins, who was given the opportunity to name the calf as a reward for selling the most amount of Skyway tickets within the "dreaded lull" of the supper hour.
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
Former Republicrat Now Supports Depublican
For Immediate Release
Winooski, Vermont - August 26, 2008
Olivetta Evans comes from a long line of Republicrats. As a little girl she recalls sitting on her father's knee to listen to the speeches of Kilroy X. Palaver, the founder of the Republicrat movement, as he railed on about foreign affairs, the missile gap, and Sputnik. In those days, and in the years that followed, she believed in the cause.
But with this election the married mother of two from Parma, Colorado has made a momentous change. In her own words:
"When I heard Bob Johnson speak for the first time I thought he was crazy. Then after a while, he started to make sense. And that's when I realized I was crazy, and so were my friends and family. Even my cat Penelope was out of her mind."
Her conversion to the Depublican cause was not immediate.
"It felt good at first, but shameful. I used to click on his website after everyone went to bed. One of the other ladies in my book club is a Depublican, and I'd always looked at her in a disapproving, judgmental way. But then, after the Depublican's speech, there were little things I noticed. A shared look, or a laugh at the wrong moment. I was experimenting, really. Finally one night I noticed the little bottle of syrup in her purse. We went out to coffee together, and that's when it started. I came right home and told my husband."
"I thought he would have a hard time with it, but instead he was really excited, and made me repeat all of the details."
Now she talks to other Depublicans about her experience, and helps to let them know that it's okay to leave the Republicrat party behind. Their anxiety is normal. And there is a large community of folks to help them understand the transition, folks like Olivetta Evans.
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
Announcing Key Oyster-fisher Endorsement
For Immediate Release
Winooski, Vermont - August 23, 2008
We are proud to claim the Upper New York Oyster-fisher's Union (UNYOU) as the latest group to proudly endorse the Depublican.
Bob Johnson has been consistent, speaking out on issues that are important to oyster-fishers everywhere. When the bait industry attempted to conspire to raise the price of entrails he was one of the first to demand an investigation. And Bob wrote several letters (some of which were published in media outlets) that stood firmly against the practice of honoring foreign oyster-fisher licenses, in keeping with his policy of containment of the Canadian menace.
UNYOU chapter president Ralston "Red" Kimball said the following after meeting with the Depublican: "Yeah, he's a okay dude. I took him out on Salmon River for a run with some of the guys. He didn't drink as many beers as I think regular, but he told some funny stories."
The choice for our country is clear. At a time when our waterways are endangered, Bob Johnson is the type of candidate who will proudly defend the rights of laborers and recreational sportspeople alike.
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
First Case of Tree-to-Human Butternut Canker Disease Transmission Reported:
Illness Strikes Important Figure in the Depublican Party
For Immediate Release
Winooski, Vermont - August 18, 2008
John Crandall, a key player in the foundation of the Depublican Party, has been hospitalized with the first known human case of Butternut Canker fungal infection.
The disease, classified by the Center for Disease Control as "sapronitic," or transmitting from ecological matter to humans, represents the first time a domestic North American tree disease has been found to be transmissible to humans.
Butternut trees all across Vermont are dying from the infection. According to the New York Times, as many as 85% of them will be dead by 2011.
"The Butternut tree has a long history of being used for syrup, homeopathic remedies, dyes, and oil," says Dr. Lewis Lateiner, keynote speaker at the Butternut Canker Research Symposium. "If the CDC classifies Mr. Crandall with the first know case of Tree-to-Human Butternut Canker Disease, this will radically change the nature of the quest to save the Butternut."
Some are calling the disease "God's Revenge" on those who have let over 80% of the Butternut trees die off.
Butternuts are also found in Wisconsin. Crandall was experimenting with a hybrid syrup of maple and butternut, since Vermont's maple crop is threatened by the discovery and soon-to-begin drilling for oil in rural Vermont.
"No one cared about the Butternut before, when Maple Syrup was the superstar of the breakfast topping market. Now, with the Maples threatened by the newfound oil reserve in Vermont, Butternut Trees are finally getting their due. Unfortunately, it might be too little too late."
Mrs. Annette Crandall, wife of the victim, urges everyone to stop the drilling in Vermont. "If my husband weren't searching for alternate forms of breakfast syrup: if our Vermont Maples weren't under attack, he wouldn't have been around the damned Butternut Canker so much," she said.
Crandall is being treated with antibiotics and has been quarantined away from Depublican offices, leaving some to wonder if the newbie party can press on to victory without his leadership.
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
For Immediate Release
Winooski, Vermont - August 15, 2008
At a public event in Waterford, New Hampshire the Depublican candidate, bob Johnson, was challenged by a group of supporters from a rival political campaign (whose candidate shall remain nameless) to a friendly match of ping pong at the Waterford recreation Hall.
Always sportsmanlike, our man Bob accepted the challenge.
Unfortunately, while executing his signature move (diving for the ball in a reverse somersault) the Depublican lost his balance and crashed into a small rickety table filled with glassware. Doctors later confirmed that he injured his 2nd, 4th, 11th, 26th, and 41st vertebrae.
But we are pround to report that, before seeking medical attention, the sweetest of all the candidates went on to pulverize the opposition four games out of five. He looks forward to handing them a similar defeat in the November election!Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
For Immediate Release
Winooski, Vermont - August 10, 2008
On the eve of the Florida primary, one of the major American newsweekly magazines decided to publish a story about the next greatest hope for American leadership, Bob Johnson.
As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity. But unfortunately the editors of this once-prestigious magazine chose to feature our candidate as part of a story that talked about the "fringe alternatives" that are running in this year's election. Included in the article were a variety of presidential aspirants, including a man who lives in a tree-house in the middle of a Georgia swamp, and one half of a pair of conjoined twins from Milwaukee.
The Depublican campaign strongly endorses the participation of a variety of voices and parties in our political debate, and feels saddened by this type of negative coverage. Realistically we acknowledge that some of these candidates are somewhat unusual, and their electoral success may even be unlikely. But any American who willingly volunteers for public service deserves respect.
Most disturbingly, the magazine in question chose to publish the remarks of Sean Masterson, the opinionated and mercurial presidential candidate of the Republicrat Party. The journalists responsible for the story went so far as to compare Mr. Masterson to the Depublican in a way that made them both seem equivalent.
The voters deserve to know the facts. Sean Masterson believes, for example, that the American economy should be tied to the currency fluctuations of the New Zealand kiwi. He furthermore has suggested that the U.S. foreign policy is determined entirely by a back-room cabal of the toothbrush industry, Mandy Potemkin, and the Spanish Department faculty of Princeton University. His supporters have even gone so far as to suggest that the Korean War was never fought, and was invented as a cover story for an undersea battle that took place during the 1950s with a race of belligerent mer-people.
Again we emphasize that every voice should be heard during this important national process of choosing a president. But some voices may suggest some far-fetched political notions. Or to put it in the words of Bob Johnson himself, "there's fringe and then there's effin' crazy". We think most voters will agree.
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
Media Contact: andy.stamper@thedepublican.com
Posted on 21 September 2008 | 10:56 am
House Arrested Developments!
Posted on 23 August 2008 | 5:59 pm
Depublican Booster
Posted on 18 August 2008 | 5:26 pm
Kissimmee Depublicans Chapter Announced!
Posted on 27 July 2008 | 3:23 pm
Welcome to The Depublican Blog
Posted on 20 July 2008 | 9:32 am